Do you think actors in Uwe Boll movies talk about the fact that they’re in Uwe Boll movies? I mean, what do you suppose the conversation is like on the set? Do they go on and on about how easy Uwe is to work with? Or how fast and efficient he is? Or how clear his “creative vision” is? It’s not that difficult to imagine that a group of no-names would be excited to be involved in any movie, even if it was direct to dvd, but In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale is a different animal. Somehow Uwe Boll managed to wrangle a fairly impressive cast up for the movie. Sure they were primarily has-beens or second stringers but shit, it’s still a Uwe Boll Movie. Maybe they all just avoided the subject and tried not to make eye contact…
I suspect the story behind how Boll assembled the cast, and what the cast member’s private thoughts and conversations about the production were like, would make for a more interesting story than the lame thing Boll plopped out onto the small screen itself. In the Name of the King is yet another of his videogame adaptations/abominations. This movie comes to us from the man who owns the dubious distinction of helming three of the top five worst videogame movies ever made (according to Rotten Tomatoes) and somehow he got Ray Liotta, Burt Reynolds, Ron Perlman and Jason Statham to sign onto this thing. That accomplishment alone might indicate that I’m selling the guy short…psyche!!! Have you SEEN this movie?!!!!
One can imagine one of the grizzled veterans like Reynolds or Liotta being approached by Boll after the cast party (if there was one) or the screening or whatever and -when asked for his opinion on the fim- awkwardly offering, “Well Uwe, ya certainly…um, made a movie.”
It’s based on a game that to be honest I’m not familiar with. From what I gather the Dungeon Siege games are of the sword & sorcery variety of role playing games. To be honest S&S doesn’t really do it for me, but I can still appreciate how the realization that Uwe Boll had somehow gotten his greasy hooks on a beloved property might loosen the bowels of any devoted fan of said property. So I would like to extend my condolences to anyone who holds this videogame in high regard. Boll strikes again!
The movie opens with a bland CGI shot of your stereotypical S&S castle followed by a scene with Ray Liotta and Leelee Sobieski (the little girl from Eyes Wide Shut who fucked the two Japanese guys in drag…well offscreen) that clearly establishes Liotta’s character Gallian as the one-dimensional archvillain of the story. I’ll get back to that.
The story proper starts next as we’re introduced to our hero Jason Statham who once more portrays a man who posseses the ability to kill any humanoid in his path (even without the use of his hands) and yet for some reason allows people to refer to him as “Farmer.”
Farmer lives the idyllic countryside life with his beautiful wife Solana -played by the chick from Meet Joe Black and Mallrats, and their adorable son whose name and role in the story is almost entirely insignificant. The couple seem to be deeply in love and if you’re expecting to see some hot, doggystle sex a la King Leonidas and Queen Gorgo in 300 then, well…sorry. It doesn’t happen. This is perhaps for the best as this is a Uwe Boll production. It is entirely within the realm of possibility that Boll could fuck up even a softcore porn scene.
Ron Perlman drops by for dinner and everything is very quaint and Hallmarkish until the evil Krug (they’re the bad guys, along with Liotta) attack for some reason which is never sufficiently explained. Farmers home village gets torched, his family get murdered (for the most part) and then… ’tis on bitches!
Farmer sets off on a quest. Ah yes! There must be a quest! He and his friend Norrick (Perlman) and some other guy trudge off to extract some payback from those filthy Krug and also ascertain the whereabouts of his wife who he believes is still alive and in their clutches. If this all sounds terribly generic and utterly unoriginal then, good. I’m doing my job. And I trust you have a pretty good idea of where this lame tale is headed.
As I mentioned before the really noteworthy thing about this movie is the cast and how utterly degraded (not in the good way) and pitiful most of them appear in it. Liotta’s character Gallian is a shameless plagiarism of Sauron from The Lord of the Rings and he clearly infuses the roles with a sufficient amount of “please god don’t let anyone watch this movie.” There’s not much to Statham’s character and I’ll admit he does have a brief moment or two where you see that flash of badassedness that he embodies fairly well, but somehow Boll manages to take his genuine talent for physical acting and transform it into yet another reason to roll your eyes and yawn. By the way Statham’s weapon of choice in this film is a boomerang…
Kristanna Loken is in this movie. Pehaps you don’t recognize the name. Her main claim to fame is portaying the cyborg chick from Terminator 3: Rise of The Machines. I know. Impressive huh? I guess she took her small role in this film as a favor to Boll for allowing her to play the lead in his other videogame inspired epic BloodRayne. Loken plays the leader of a band of wood nymphs who I guess are supposed to intimidate us with their psychic ability to manipulate kudzu. They’re dressed kind of like Peter Pan and there’s a moment when they encounter Leelee Sobieski’s character alone in their enchanted forest and you suddenly begin hoping a hot lesbian lovefest might spontaneously errupt…Sorry. Once again, it doesn’t happen. But that’s ok. Zero out of two ain’t… wait…
Fuck! How does Uwe Boll get to make movies? I mean even direct to DVD movies?? They still cost money! AND HOW IN THE HELL DID HE HOODWINK RAY LIOTTA AND BURT REYNOLDS INTO PARTICIPATING IN THIS FUCKING ABORTION!
I could go on and on here folks, but it’s just too depressing.
…Burt fucking Reynolds. Jesus.