Posted by: theiconkiller | July 28, 2010

The Break Up: My Dear George Letter to Star Wars

Dear Star Wars

There is no easy way of saying this……it’s over.  This isn’t easy for me but we have been growing apart for some time. I tried to be faithful to you after Phantom Menace; I would tell people that it was a set up story for the rest of the trilogy. When confronted with the mess that is Attack of the Clones I would say “Yeah, but wasn’t it cool when Yoda pulled out his light saber?”  But after Revenge of the Sith, it became clear that we wanted different things.  I wanted a compelling story with strong character development; you wanted to be a soulless merchandising vehicle, willing to pimp yourself out for anything that will make you a buck.

You’re not the franchise I fell in love with…maybe you never where. I was so young when we got together; your flashy effects and heroic tales had me at hello. Back then you were just a simple story about a boy trying to become a man. But somewhere down the line you changed- you became a universe. All of a sudden loving you required knowing the roaming patterns of the Jawwas, buying crappy novels and accepting Boba Fett as something more than a trivial plot device. I should have seen it coming with the Holiday Special, but I chalk that up to youthful indiscretion. But now I know that any movie that has Greedo shooting first could never be serious about having a long term relationship with me.

But this isn’t just about you; I’ve come to realize that I am unable to commit to a monogamist relationship. I have, without any remorse, shown public displays of affection for Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Battlestar Galactica and The Dark Knight. I have done this with little regards for your feelings; when it comes to Kubrick, Hitchcock and Godard, I’ve been a filthy whore. They have come into my life and went away and I have constantly found someone new (in fact while I am writing this Lost has crawled out of my bed and is trying to leave without me knowing)

You may find this admission shocking.  You may even question my morals, but I am who I am and I can’t live the lie anymore. Besides, for every one of me there are thousands of fan boys who arise from their parents’ basement in their storm trooper costumes willing to take whatever you give them (makes you wonder who the real Whore is?). But I don’t want to leave on a sour note; in fact there is still a part of me that wishes we could just forget about Jar Jar Binks, Midi-chlorians and the Ewok movies and start fresh. But at last I know it will never happen.  I thank you for the time we had and wish you the best of luck. All I ask is that when you see me standing in line for the Avengers, think about what could have been.

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Responses

  1. LOVE LOVE LOVE! and, in case there’s any one who hasn’t seen it, watch this 7-part review of Phantom Menace:

    Yes, it’s almost as long as the entire film, but who cares, it’s genius.

    I do have one problem with your breakup letter. Boba Fett was freakin’ cool. I don’t like what they did with him in the prequels, but he was a badass. So leave him out of this. It’s between you and George, really, no need to involve the children.

  2. in other words, star trek wins, again

  3. http://www.theonion.com/articles/nations-love-affair-with-lord-of-the-rings-threate,1384/

  4. now, as far as Boba Fett is concerned, he’s overrated by fanboys and ubernerds. They’re the ones who gave him a backstory in those stupid damn books and made him more important than he was ever supposed to be. Fett was a plot device to get Han Solo from Vader to Tattooine, and in Return of the Jedi he got killed, in what was essentially a slapstick moment, by Solo accidentally knocking him into the sarlac pit. Fett didn’t matter that much in the Holy Trilogy. The truth must be known.


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